When In Rome….

Here’s the ugly truth…. I, like a lot of people, grew up in an overweight family. Probably not the way overweight families look today… But for the 80s? Overweight. To add injury and insult, there was emotional eating, reward eating, eating to curb hurt and pain, eating at weekly gatherings, hangouts and card parties, eating from office parties, school parties, birthdays, honor roll certificates to the best pizza spot with ice cream for dessert. The array of cookbooks, new recipes and ideas. Slumber parties with 7-course breakfast. New restaurants, carryout’s and Pops n Sons, Johnny Boys and Danny’s.

SO MUCH FOOD!!!!!!

For whatever time, event or feeling. It was always….

SO MUCH EATING!!!!!!!!!!!

But I was an active child who ran, walked and rode her bicycle everywhere. But all that changed in a summer.

I went to visit my brother in Cali at 70lbs and came back 3-months later at a WHOPPPING 98lbs

I turned 9 while I was there and what’s more is it was my first time dealing with eating as an activity from a lack of activity and an awful amount boredom and eating due to hurt, pain, abandonment and rejection.

The case of the American public today.

After that summer, I’ve never truly been the same nor have my relationship with food bounced back. As a fact, no one treated me the same either. And this is where bullying came a major factor. I was sexually molested the year before when my brother left for the military. My dad left the year before that.

I was in perfect condition to be primed for a multitude of things that ultimately came my life.

Let’s just say… I never lost that 28lbs AND my innocence and trust for people were gone. I became socially introverted, self-conscious and hit with low self-esteem.

But I try to keep going, and as we get older, it gets harder and harder but we’ll talk about that another time…

Let’s get back to the NOW!!!

Like I told you, I moved back in with my parents… so ask me how this relates to back in the day?

Because OLD HABITS DIE HARD… especially when you’re down and out…. AND when you’re reminded of where you came from.

I’m talking about margarine, meat- daily-, snacks AT WILL, Bread, bread, bread. Sugar, soda, etc. Cheese, takeout, fresh baked cookies, cakes and pies. OMG my parents ain’t changed a bit since I left 25 years ago.

So as you know… my life fell apart and lead me back to them. A piece of job till Covy; no home; no life. To add, the negative feelings of needing help and the knowing that I wasn’t wanted there.

My 6-month plan to re-enter my independence became… uh… and counting. I’ve been here almost 2 years and have a summer plan to exit. Yet, I’ve assimilated back into life with them as if I was 18 again.

I left on tense terms back then, and returned as if there was unfinished business.

Still tense.

The desire to be separate from someone while needing them to this extent is a scenario that will humble and defeat you at the same time. Especially when you know you want the same thing they do. However, it goes deeper. And that’s what I wish to explore in another subject matter because I feel that what’s happened to me- especially in the last year- has a lot to do with the spiritual fitness test we’re all enduring.

I’ve obviously been failing!

But… being in this place of Rome that I left so long ago and the memories, habits, emotions and disparaging aspects I’ve been experiencing is a part of that test.

Back to One. Self and the Womb of Life.

For me, that is my mother. Someone else it could be them as a mother, or the inner child in need of mothering.

WHATEVER IT IS

It’s in the spirit… but it’s definitely the lower self, demons and propaganda machine called media at work to play on the lesser of ourselves and this I know for sure is what has made me gain this weight- including the spiritual nature of me being here with them and why it’s not a happy ride.

I tried hard to bring my life, light and love into this situation. Thought we were on a plain of respect, understanding and trust, but I feel betrayed and slighted as a child and woman. Not because I don’t respect and/or understand the feeling of wanting to be an empty-nester, but more so because my parents both flipped the script on me and I’m seeing that their love is disingenuous and conditional.

I HONESTLY THINK I’LL NEVER LOOK AT THEM THE SAME.

I give the benefit of the doubt because I came in needing and taking up space and disturbing the peace. But it’s fair to say, I was never supposed to truly need them again; I was never supposed to be “their child”. I moved into distant relative mode and the “friend” that accepts you as you are kind person.

NOT “THEIR CHILD”

WHETHER I’M 4 OR 44!

It’s a revelation that has hit hard and hurt deep and I’d like to blame it on aging, or the fact I come with a child, or that I wish not to jump into the fire of today’s New World… whatever the case… I feel rejected, dejected and subjected to insults, slander and humiliation. I’ve felt taken for granted for the fact I honor them and am with them and for them when all others don’t want to be bothered.

MAYBE IT’S AGING!

BUT I’M HURT, TORN AND PISSED…

NO… I’M JUST BACK IN ROME AGAIN….

AND I HATE IT NOW LIKE I HATED IT THEN!!

                Because I did the work to change my mindset and my relationships with self and food and other people, where they seemed to have faked it the entire time.

I guess the animosity is that I’m here to see the truth that the devil is a liar.

But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m back to being a child and struggling to find my voice, fix my mistakes, settle my differences and repair to prepare for the next life that I live as an adult.

Don’t get me twisted… I love and respect my parents… it’s just that I’ve learned that people treat you different when you need them… even the ones that brought you into this world.

My ideals for our family have always been GRANDER than the reality of each of us… That’s why I infused it all within myself. But universal law has a way of tying up loose ends.

Rome must fall… it’s been written, has happened and will happen again.

It’s most important that I get out before I turn into a pillar of salt.

In other words, this could be my farewell call and that’s why I CHOOSE to let the past, the pain and the hurt go-as an ADULT… but the CHILD in me… needs her mommy and daddy as much as I always have.

My NOW is that, I must realize that I can’t be the child, I must accept that I’m the adult and move forward and show them they have nothing to worry about because they’ done all they know and can do.

I must do the rest to Be Fit and Ready to ascend to the next level.

Even though it’s painful and I see the falling away… I know it’s a gift to be here to see it… and strangely enough… what I need to make me strong.

Goodbye Rome…

Next Installment: Let’s Begin… The 21-Day Make-n-Break Challenge (Revisited and Ready)